Cloud in my head: a testimony (The Warmest Week, part 3)

"So sweet, so cute, enjoy!" Enjoy it? Are they really serious? Enjoy it? Of what exactly? Ideally, I wanted to take him with me saying, "Bring him back in 3 years. When he is out of diapers, can eat by himself and sleeps through at night. My life is suddenly determined by someone else. I have completely lost control. I don't want this life. Did I really choose this myself?"

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I had seriously underestimated this. I found breastfeeding a difficult task. I looked forward to the next feeding and as soon as the moment approached that I had to start again, I felt tears running down my cheeks. I stubbornly persisted, because I told myself that this was the best thing for my son. That this was partly the cause of my total breakdown, I didn't see that at the time (yet).

[...]

It went from bad to worse. I wasn't sleeping. Not in maternity, but not at home either. The baby lay in a bed next to me, and with every little sigh I feared something was up and shone the light from my cell phone over his head. I counted down the hours to the next morning. I didn't close an eye.

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I was angry at all the mothers. Why had no one warned me about this? Was I the only one where this didn't work out? Why did everything else seem to be going smoothly? What was I doing wrong?

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My new role as a mother does not suit me. In fact, I can't handle it. I am overwhelmed with guilt and shame, but know I need help. This is stronger than myself. The diagnosis hits hard: postpartum depression. An admission is recommended so that I can calm down, be supported and guided, regain my self-confidence, work on the bond with my son,...

This courageous testimony comes from Friedl, founder of Cloud in my head, though it may sound familiar to many young moms.

Experts are also convinced that the taboo of mental difficulties after childbirth urgently needs to be addressed, including professor of medicine at KU Lueven and specialist in perinatal psychiatry, Titia Hompes:"Many women have depressive feelings or are anxious after the birth of their child . They feel like they are losing control. Having a child is so existential that one really wants to do this very well. Failure is not an option, and so they have a hard time letting their environment know that things are notgoing so well. . ..The pink cloud is a myth that needs to be punctured ." (De Standaard, 1/9/2018)

For more testimonials, visit the Cloud in My Head site or the BBC documentary Mothers on the Edge by Louis Theroux.

If you have questions or need a listening ear, you can find where to go in your area on the contact page of Wolk in my head.

We want to encourage young parents who are struggling mentally and therefore, during this Warmest Week, we choose "Cloud in my head" as a charity. For every accessory sold from December 2 to December 23, 10% of the sale price will go to this non-profit organization. You can also have your order wrapped in the official Warmest Week wrapping paper for € 2 per product, all proceeds of which will go to Cloud in my head.

(Illustration from the book Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts by Karen Kleiman and Molly McIntire)